old but honest (2003)

i have a ball in the pit of my stomach. i get queasy every time i eat, and i'm simply exhausted. sometimes i think people really take for granted the fact that their lives may not be as confusing and heart-wrenching day by day as others' lives are. i have such a complex these days - all in the same moment i can feel very far, and yet very close to God. this probably doesn't make sense, but i'm beginning to understand that very little makes sense in this world. sometimes it's hard to breathe, like my body no longer has the will to function. i feel like i'm in the middle of the ocean swimming for shore; but no matter how hard i swim, the current keeps pulling me farther away from the only land in sight. i'm getting tired...i'm trying not to give in to the pull of the current, but it's very strong and i'm not. i don't always feel this way, but the times when i do are beginning to slowly outnumber the times when i don't...i don't know how much more of this i can take. sometimes i just don't know how to feel, how to think, how to live, how to breathe. everything changes, but we can't change anything.