Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Trust and Forgiveness

So, I've been thinking a lot about trust and forgiveness and how tightly tied together they are.  Actually, I've had this discussion with a friend of mine on multiple occasions, but was reminded of it again while listening to a couple of radio announcers recently.  One said that if you forgive someone, then you should immediately be able to trust them again; the idea being that if you've truly forgiven them, then trusting them should be second-nature.  The other said just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you're going to trust them again right away; at least not in the area in which you forgave them.  I fall in line with the forgive, but don't necessarily trust right away group.  I believe that just because you forgive someone for whatever wrong transpired, doesn't mean that you forget what happened.  Do you hold it over them?  No.  Would you forget whatever happened and trust them right away in the same area?  I wouldn't.  Maybe I'm just skeptical or cynical, but, then again, maybe I'm realistic and rational.  I believe that people can change, I just don't think many people do.  It's much easier to keep asking for forgiveness than it is to actively change your personality or your behavior.  

Now to make this more interesting...what is God's take on this?  Let's look at this from the standpoint that God readily forgives us of any and all wrongs that we commit against Him when we ask for forgiveness with a sincere heart.  Does he trust us to not make the same mistakes, or does he call us to live our lives differently once he's forgiven us?  And, is there a difference?  Hmmm....  What's your take?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

learning to breathe again

you know those thoughts, those feelings, and the way that the life you desire seems to be just beyond your grasp? almost as if you can feel its energy, you can smell its scent and even taste its flavor on your lips, but to truly hold it in your hands and understand how it looks and the form it takes is just beyond your reach? i, too, wait for the light to turn green, for the darkness to fade, for the joy to return. i understand the heartache that comes with healing. ironic, isn't it? that healing could cause more pain. the guilt of letting go is almost unbearable. i feel traitorous when i begin to sense happiness. i feel despair when i think of love being so close at hand. it's a tricky thing, this life we lead. we get free of one thing, simply to be trapped by another. sometimes the traps are just more to our liking. to be free of the pain, of the despair, of the guilt is, for me, to be trapped inside without push down the feelings and thoughts so that i feel and think nothing, just enter a state of numbness. but it's still a trap. it still hurts when i finally open the prongs to release them from my skin. the puncture holes are still there, biting and stinging. and when the sweat of emotion and thought trickles down my body into the wounds, my safe trap becomes my personal hell. sometimes, breathing is just a fleeting process that takes me from one moment in time to another; sometimes breathing is my gateway to hell; sometimes it is the relief of focusing without feeling too much, yet not fully shutting down; and then, sometimes, breathing is simply that - breathing. all at the same time i am fine and i am not fine; i am alive, and yet part of me is dead. my life is moving forward, and yet i feel as if i am standing still. what do i do, where do i go, to whom do i turn? all these thoughts flood me...they consume me and eat at me. the only time i find peace is when i allow myself to be taken in by God - out of this world, surrounded by His love, His hope. without hope, all seems futile. God is the only center to my universe that makes sense. He loves me when i feel unlovable; He believes in me when all i want to do is run away; He surrounds me with his hope and compassion when i feel that all is lost. He is the faith that keeps me going; the light that glimmers when darkness surrounds; the kind sun that shines - embracing me, warming me, gently filling me with light...allowing me to see the beauty that surrounds me...sometimes even the beauty within me.

Monday, March 2, 2009

the subtlety of change

You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me.
Life as a House

old but honest (2003)

i have a ball in the pit of my stomach. i get queasy every time i eat, and i'm simply exhausted. sometimes i think people really take for granted the fact that their lives may not be as confusing and heart-wrenching day by day as others' lives are. i have such a complex these days - all in the same moment i can feel very far, and yet very close to God. this probably doesn't make sense, but i'm beginning to understand that very little makes sense in this world. sometimes it's hard to breathe, like my body no longer has the will to function. i feel like i'm in the middle of the ocean swimming for shore; but no matter how hard i swim, the current keeps pulling me farther away from the only land in sight. i'm getting tired...i'm trying not to give in to the pull of the current, but it's very strong and i'm not. i don't always feel this way, but the times when i do are beginning to slowly outnumber the times when i don't...i don't know how much more of this i can take. sometimes i just don't know how to feel, how to think, how to live, how to breathe. everything changes, but we can't change anything.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

words to chew on

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplacable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
Ayn Rand

Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas

A man of words and not of deeds,
is like a garden full of weeds;
And when the weeds begin to grow,
it's like a garden full of snow;
And when the snow begins to fall,
it's like a bird upon the wall;
And when the bird away does fly,
it's like an eagle in the sky;
And when the sky begins to roar,
it's like a lion at the door;
And when the door begins to crack,
it's like a stick across your back;
And when your back begins to smart,
it's like a penknife in your heart;
And when your heart begins to bleed,
you're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.